Monday, August 06, 2012

Unsavoury Conversations With Taxi-Drivers, Part 1.

Twelve years ago, and I’m late for work.

I work at my local newspaper in the South-West of England, it’s a good job, I do well and I live in a nice house – acres of grounds, stables, pool table, double-oven Aga, all that – and I always have a few hundred pounds spare at the end of each month.

I call John The Taxi.

John The Taxi: OH YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN HAVEN’T YOU?! TEN MINUTES MAAATE.

John The Taxi always spoke in Caps Lock.

I tumble into his taxi, still faffing with tie and cuff-links.

John The Taxi:
BIG NIGHT AGAIN WAS IT, EH?

Me: *Grunt*

A few minutes pass. It becomes clear that, this morning, John The Taxi is auditioning for an imaginary part in a reboot of the Cannonball Run films.

Me: Actually John, I’m not in THAT much of a hurry. I don’t mind being late, I just fancy being alive. You can ease-off a bit.

JTT: Thing is, I’m desperate for a shit.

Silence.

Me: Oh.

JTT: Do you know what the funny thing is? I’m looking forward to it, if I can hold on in time to get to the lav. In many ways –

Time stands still for a brief moment as the cosmos prepares itself for the wisdom of John The Taxi.

JTT: In many ways I prefer a good shit to a fuck.

More silence.

JTT: Here we are then.

Me: Two minutes, John.

I tumble out of the car and into the reception area of my building, the domain of Difficult Penny.

Me:
I need ten quid out of petty cash for my taxi. I’ll replace it at lunch.

Difficult Penny: What if I say no?

Me:
He’s about to shit himself.

Pause.

Difficult Penny: Just this once.

23 Comments:

Blogger Frances Pringle said...

Genius.

10:32 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:44 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:44 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:44 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:45 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:45 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:45 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:47 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:47 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

Unsavoury, yet highly amusing.

10:47 pm  
Blogger InvisibleWoman said...

Lesley is very amused, I'd say. Can't wait for part 2. As long as it's not the aftermath.

11:05 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

It's raining Lesleys

12:16 am  
Blogger Furtheron said...

yep - can't wait for number 2... boom boom tsh ...

12:53 pm  
Blogger Patience_Crabstick said...

Wait for number 2! Ha ha!

I can't either.

1:40 am  
Blogger looby said...

Yeah, we got the point love.

8:13 pm  
Blogger Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Superb.

Makes one think of turtles.

11:02 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

Stables?

9:45 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Frances: Ah, thank you.

Lesley: Thanks - careful with that 'submit' button, yeah?

Invisible: Oh, it's not.

Unknown: Hello, mystery person.

Furtheron: Brilliant.

Patience: I know.

loob: Yup.

TSB: Amazing.

Ellie: Oh, it was all very grand. They weren't MY horses, mind.

11:39 pm  
Anonymous monkeymother said...

I made NWM's father read this and he snorted coffee out of his nose. Missed the keyboard by a millimetre.

Me, I've got more sense than to eat or drink while reading your posts.

10:10 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

MM: The very thought of this has cheered me no end. Many thanks.

(Hot coffee? Ouch.)

10:23 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Lesley says it best. That was seriously funny.

So, were you all Downton Abby?

3:59 am  
Blogger Lesley said...

Damn my sausage fingers and bloody touch-screen phone.

7:35 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: Thank you with your Lesley support. And, errm, not sure what you mean about the Downton thing?

Oh. I see. No, it was a big-ish house but I walked the dog. There weren't any servants.

Lesley: Fear not. You have made me appear far more popular than I actually am.

2:32 am  

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