Thursday, May 16, 2013

So. This Bloke Tried To Bum Me...


It all started innocuously enough, as I imagine receiving an unwelcome and unwanted bumming attempt usually does.

Heading home after work I notice Ex-High School Friend about to get in a car, armed with takeaway food.

Me: Fuck!

EHSF: Bloody hell!

We’ve only seen each other a couple of times in the last twenty years.

Me: How are things you twat?

EHSF: Awful! My wife’s leaving me, I can’t remember the last time I saw my daughter and I’m back living with my parents!

Me: [Laughing with genuine delight at his misfortune] Brilliant!

EHSF: You?

Me: Oh you know. Other-half left me, took-up with an unworthy and lesser man then moved hundreds of miles away taking my son and daughter with her. I wasn’t invited. Oh and I've just had an MRI that showed I’ve got brain damage. You know how everyone used to say I was ‘fucked in the head’? Turns out they were right! We should have a drink sometime.

We shake hands and exchange mobile numbers and I go home. Ten minutes later I receive a text.

How about now?

He arrives a short time later armed with beer and vodka. We drink and talk and may as well still be in high school. He’s that sort of friend – the type you don’t see for years and it’s as if no time has passed when you do.

We call it a night at about three in the morning and he goes home.

(Yes, I know he hasn’t attempted to bum me at this point – this is just some back-story. Don’t worry – it’s on the way.)

A couple of days later - as his parents are away for the weekend - he invites me round to their house for some drinks. I accept, on the reasonable basis that I do not expect to be bummed at any stage.

We drink far too much for far too long. At some point we begin wrestling. Which is very odd. It’s not the sort of thing I tend to do of an evening. And at some point he is on top of me, I’m flat on my back on the floor, he’s much bigger and heavier than I and he is attempting to unbuckle my belt and unzip my fly.

At this point I should add that he may not have been trying to bum me. He may have just wanted to wank me off. Either way, if anyone is to spontaneously tug me off I prefer that person to be a woman. And I'd rather my bum-hole remained intact no matter what the situation.

With this in mind, I manage to get my feet under him and kick him to the other side of the room. Taking no chances I then put him in a head-lock, the inside of my elbow blocking his wind-pipe and carotid artery. Understandably, he struggles against this and three days afterward I still have the cuts and bruises incurred whilst he fought against impending unconsciousness.

It was llike that scene in Unbreakable where Bruce Willis confronts the kidnapper using the same method and is slammed around leaving dents in the walls and holes in the plaster-board. By which I mean an ashtray was kicked over. It was carnage.

Eventually he passes-out and I sit on the floor panting. After a little while the blood and oxygen flow to his brain returns and he awakes.

Me: [Experiencing the sobriety that comes with a sudden burst of adrenalin] Hi. So. Have you ever had any gay feelings before now?

EHSF: Not until tonight.

Me: I’m going for a wee.

By the time I return from the toilet he is unconscious again. I calmly finish my drink and put his half-full cigarette packet in my pocket.

It’s the least he owed me.

I limp home.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Richie said...

Woken up early by earache (the real kind, not the nattering wife kind) I staggered to the PC to try to get some early work done. I was not expecting to be smiling at this point, but now I am - thanks!

4:54 am  
Blogger Janeway said...

You sure as hell have some interesting, um, interactions.

5:57 am  
Blogger Furtheron said...

Holy ... something... speachless

8:26 am  
Blogger Z said...

Jesus. It's evident you're charming and delightful and all, but I'd never realised you're irresistible.

10:11 am  
Anonymous isabelle said...

The film of women in Love sprung straight to mind. Which one are you, Alan Bates or Oliver Reed?

1:16 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Richie: Hello. No problem.

Janeway: Yes, that's what I thought at the time. "Oh, this is interesting." I thought.

Furtheron: Yeah, I was a bit lost for words at the time myself.

Z: Oh I'm not the first two, and I'm certainly not the last. It was all very peculiar.

Isabelle: *sigh* I new someone was going to bring it up. Well, I'm no Olly Reed...

4:13 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

Isn't it nice to know that you make people feel so 'at home' in your company?

9:43 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Ellie: No. No, not really. No. No.

9:51 pm  
Blogger looby said...

The arrogance of it? Did he think he could turn you with a skilfully executed half-Nelson?

3:56 pm  
Anonymous Two sandwhiches said...

Now I know the inherent danger of "beer goggles"

11:05 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Loob: I'm not sure what the hell he was thinking...

Two Sandwiches: Let it be a lesson to us all.

3:43 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

!!
...My God. Someone took your "Fucking With Tired Dad" entry seriously.

Jenertia

1:14 am  
Anonymous Em said...

Hello. I'm glad to know you're back and *ahem* intact.

Bet you can't wait for your next school reunion.

10:56 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Jen: Oh, very good.

Em: Hello. Yeah, that would be sort-of awkward...

5:45 pm  
Anonymous Gwen said...

You have *the* most random life...

9:36 pm  
Blogger Cherryaa said...

No, really, this sounds like attempted rape. That's certainly what I'd call it if a bloke tried to yank my clothes off while pinning me to the floor. Bloody hell.

Just goes to show, doesn't it? You never can tell :o

9:12 am  
Anonymous Robin said...

Just goes to show - drunk wrestling is never a good idea. Usually for other reasons, but still.

Nice touch with the fag packet. (Er, cigarette packet.)

3:50 pm  
Blogger Lynne Dixon said...

Just rediscovered your blog, after rediscovering nonworkingmonkey. Where does the time go?

3:58 am  
Blogger Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

My, what an interesting life you lead. You could have tried something a bit more adventurous, like setting the bastard on fire.

6:04 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Gwen, whoever you are: I have the most un-random life like EVA.

C:Believe me, there has been much thought.

Lynne: NWM is all over pinterest is my understanding. She doesn't even blog.

Robin: Nice one.

TSB: Oh do go away.

11:33 pm  
Blogger hussain ladak said...

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6:33 pm  
Blogger BetaCyn said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:04 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I cant imagine the fightin i would do to keep a penis outta my bumbum

1:07 am  

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