Thursday, September 29, 2016

Ahh Work ‘Friend’.

It started fairly innocuously. After a mere six weeks at my new job I am promoted and become the manager of my new colleagues. This causes some consternation amongst some, many of whom have worked at the company for years. Stuff them. Empathy is not one of my ‘big things’. My counterpart in another department is also bumped-up. After a couple of weeks he feels we should go for drinks after work and ‘discuss things’.

For the first hour or so things are fine. We discuss work like normal people. And then things get a bit ‘not my area’.

Counterpart: I’m so committed to this company. That’s why I’m staying here. My wife is moving away you see. For her work. Taking our daughter with her. For her job. She’s doing really well.

Me: [Unsure of how we got here] Oh. Mmm.

Counterpart: I’m not worried. They’re my life. I know she’ll be loyal.

Me: Ok.

Counterpart: [Showing me pictures of his daughter on his phone] It’s all for her.

Me: Totally. [I glance at a photo of him and his daughter looking happy] Erm. Are you sure you’re making the right decision? I’m quite a stubborn man myself and looking back on some things…

Counterpart: I know she’ll be loyal. She isn’t ‘that sort of person’.

Poor bastard I think to myself.

Me: Right.

Counterpart: We had another baby you know. Before. He didn’t make it.

Oh for fuck’s SAKE I think to myself.

Counterpart: He lived a month and a half. We named him.

He tells me the name. He shows me pictures on his phone. The child is full of tubes. He looks like a fucking cyborg I think to myself.

Me: Mmmm.

Jesus Christ, I think myself. I just fancied a drink. I didn’t know I’d have to deal with some 'dead kid and impending marriage break-up' nonsense.

Counterpart: We haven’t slept together in two years though but it’s not that sort of relationship.

Oh for God's sake I think to myself.

Me: Anyway my bus is in ten minutes so…

Counterpart: Oh mine too! We get the same one!

Me: [unaware of this] Splendid.

He tries to hug me when he reaches his stop. We settle on a firm handshake

Monday, September 19, 2016

New Job.

“I hope things have gone alright.” I think to myself as I leave the plush building that houses the company that I now work for.

It’s the end of my first week. It’s important to make the right impression and to ensure that people feel they can successfully work with you. I hope I have done so.

I reach into my right-hand suit pocket to take out my cigarettes and a lighter. As I remove my hand a shower of at least two-dozen PostIt notes drop from my pocket and drift down the street. Instinctively I scamper to collect them.

My new office is on one of the biggest ‘party’ streets within one of the biggest ‘party cities’ in the north of England.

I grab one PostIt. Upon it is drawn a massive cock-and-balls. Without thinking I collect a few more. They feature similar illustrations. A theme is emerging. I become the recipient of some cheers from early-evening revellers who have also observed this thematic street-theatre.

Discarding my quest to collect the rest of my stationary-based gifts I get my bus home and review the remainder of the PostIts still in my suit-coat pocket.

Some are rather throw-away although some feature the classic three droplets of spurting ‘liquid’. A few even have hairy balls. One in particular features nothing but the word ‘PENIS’; obviously in case I were in any doubt as to what the other illustrations represented.

“Things seem to have gone well.” I think to myself.
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